All dressed in white.

Emma had such a beautiful baptism. I am so proud of her decision to be baptized and her excitement to be able to make covenants and show her devotion to living the gospel. I made her a beautiful book so that she can always look back and remember just how special this time in her life was. She is growing up so quickly. We found her beautiful dress at Costco and have been super impressed by the price and quality of it. She has now worn it to church for several weeks in a row. I am so grateful that my children have the strength of the gospel to lead them through this difficult world. Striving to be like Christ isn’t always easy, but having an understanding of the simplicity of the Gospel is such a blessing. Just knowing that you are a daughter of a Heavenly Father, who loves and cares about you… is truly such a strength. I pray that Emma will always strive to be a good example, that she will live in a manner that the spirit can be with her at all times, and that she will constantly be a light amongst those that she interacts with. She is such a sweetheart.

Emma, I love you sweetie. More and more everyday. You mean absolutely everything to me. Congratulations on your baptism.

Love you forever and always.

Always Trusting His Will.

“God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom but we simply have to trust his will.”

We had recently experienced a miscarriage this last November. I was about 8 weeks pregnant. Well, a couple months later we were excited to be pregnant again. I thought that the last miscarriage was just my time for another miscarriage since it is said to be ‘normal’ to occur every 3 or 4 pregnancies. Well the Aaron’s family, as well as my own were in town for Easter, so I went into the hospital to have some blood work done before we announced our pregnancy. Everything came back fabulous, but I wasn’t feeling sick. I decided that I felt comfortable enough to announce our pregnancy…. so we went ahead with that and Samuel wore the most precious shirt to announce our pregnancy to the kids. They were pretty excited to say the least. Well we had another shirt made that Samuel wore on Easter to all of his grandparents’ houses. The shirt said, “Happy Easter to me… because I’m a big brother to Be” and then the back read, “arriving in June 2015”. It was so much fun to see everyone’s initial excitement and their reactions to reading Samuel’s shirt!

Well it wasn’t what we had hoped for…. because I once again had another miscarriage, this time at 12 weeks along. On April 12, I wrote this post on Facebook to announce our sad news to all of our family and friends.

“No farewell words were spoken. No time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it. And only God knows why.”

Miscarriages suck, and the worst thing about them is the silence that surrounds them. As a culture, we are socialized to not talk about them publicly or worse, pretend they never happened. Right now, I am going through my third miscarriage, second one in a row: first one at 7 weeks (which was right before the loss of our baby Stephen), second one at 8 weeks (last November), and this one at 11.5 weeks (which I'm still right in the midst of). I'm trying to stay positive. We announced our pregnancy on Easter Sunday because almost all of our siblings were home. I have a small regret of not waiting a little longer.... but I thought after just experiencing a miscarriage, that I would probably not have anything to worry about. 1 in 3, right?!

This was not the breakfast conversation I was hoping to have with my children this morning before they headed off to school... but having lost their baby brother Stephen at 1.5 months old, they understand loss and are certainly capable of moving past this. We are all going to be okay. We have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to. Thank you for your prayers, love, and compassion. We are so lucky to have the friends and family that we do ♡

We’ve taken a couple months off from having more kids, but we really feel in our hearts that we are not done. I have an appointment with the midwives office, in the hospital at the end of this month and will make sure I’m up to date by getting an exam and maybe try to have some blood work done.

The process of miscarriage is very hard, especially the process of having two back-to-back. The best therapy was my children and their laughter. It’s amazing how purposeful these little spirits are in my life. They help me to see the best and good in anything that comes our way. The repetitive feelings of loss haven’t been easy, but as I sit here, I can honestly claim that I have learned the importance of being sensitive to others’ circumstances and feelings. We seem to always find reason to put smiles on our faces, but behind each of our smiles…. may still exist the sting from pain that we have experienced are are currently experiencing. I’ve learned that having a smile means that one has hope, not that they have a perfect life. I don’t necessarily like the process, but it seems as the more pain that I come to encounter, the more humble I actually. Bottom line is this: I really feel that at the end of the day, there is only one choice that I am happy making, which is that of trusting in His will. I learned the importance of this choice probably as a child, but I don’t think I truly understood the importance of it until about 6 years ago, when I witnessed baby Stephen take his last breath as he lay peacefully in my arms. That’s when I realized that WE were not the ones in charge, nor the kind doctors, nor nurses, etc… But that He is. A kind loving Heavenly Father who has a plan. He did NOT cause Stephen pain, or Stephen’s life to run short…. but he simply allowed life to happen. I know that He feels my pain and that the Savior Himself literally feels my every pain, which isn’t even a fraction of the pain of the world, which he took upon Himself….. for me. For you. Even when it feels as though we are, I have a testimony that we are never alone in our suffering. I love these quotes below from my favorite music artist- Paul Cardall.

“If you listen close enough you might just hear God tell you that everything is going to be okay.”

“Prayer does not always change my circumstances, but prayer always changes me.”

Easter just got Real.

The cousins were all gathered at Grandpa and Grandma’s house Easter day! They played games, ate lots of meals together, painted eggs, and had an adventurous Easter egg hunt! The kids were all very happy as they each found some money eggs! Especially Wesley, he made a good making. Dad was also very lucky to find the $100 bill this year and for a change decided to keep it. (We used it for a service auction at church to buy off babysitters- lol). Samuel was as happy as could be within the first 5 minutes, when he find not one, but TWO suckers. He opened them and could care less about the rest of the day. I always enjoy watching the kids find their surprises. They are typically wrapped in brown paper sacks. I had to climb in a tree, fairly high this year to get mine. The older you are, the harder they are to find. It was a blast to be around the siblings and the cousins. We always have such a fun time together! Thanks Grandpa for planning such fun Easter egg hunts and thank you Grandma for putting up with all of us, feeding us a million times, and for all the fun treats that the kids get to enjoy.

Easter night roundup.

We were able to also drive to Pocatello and celebrate Easter with a dinner, egg hunt, and quality visits with our cousins and siblings there. Grandpa and Grandma Fishy had a super fun hunt for the kids set up in their backyard and some Easter goodies. Grandma Fishy read to the kids a book that she gifted to each family. It was lots of fun. The kids love their time with their grandparents in Pocatello. On our way out of town, we stopped by and visited Grandma HowDeeDoo and played with her for a little bit. It was fun being able to make time for every single one of the Grandparents all in one day! It was a busy one, that’s for sure. The day is somewhat a blur to me because it came and went by so fast. Thanks to all the Grandparents for making this a fun Easter celebration for the kids.

Easter at Home.

Easter morning, the kids all went outside to find eggs in the backyard. They were a TON faster this year and it made it really difficult to get pictures, but I got a couple worth posting. It was fun to watch them gather Easter eggs and to see the anticipation on their faces as they discovered what the Easter Bunny brought them. This year the Easter bunny placed coins, goldfish, and teddy grahams in the eggs. I just have to mention that Moms and Dads are the coolest Easter Bunnys around! It is a lot of work to fill all those eggs up and try to get them to close without breaking open. I don’t know who enjoyed  the bubbles and sword fighting more—the kids? or Dad?! We took everything inside and headed to Grandpa and Grandma Bowman’s house for a much larger, more important Easter egg hunt—where the prizes become much fancier. HaHa.

Shooting.

Daddy took Wesley squirrel hunting the day before out to the canyon. They shot 6 and brought them home to have them tanned. Wesley shot one of them and Dad got the rest. So Wesley really wanted to go again so we all got in the car so Dad could take Wesley squirrel hunting again, but the gate was locked where they usually go, so we decided to drive out to another spot. They didn’t find squirrels, but they did find a bunch of deer beds. Samuel was sleeping in the car, so I just drove around with him for a while until we gave up and decided to go back and pick up Wesley and Dad. They found some old cans and set them up and Daddy carefully let each of the kids help him shoot, except for Wesley who was able to shoot the cans down all by himself. Sam and I took pictures. It was a fun time and thought the kids would like to remember being able to do this with Dad. I’m sure this one of many times that something like this will actually take place. Thanks Dad.