“God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom but we simply have to trust his will.”
We had recently experienced a miscarriage this last November. I was about 8 weeks pregnant. Well, a couple months later we were excited to be pregnant again. I thought that the last miscarriage was just my time for another miscarriage since it is said to be ‘normal’ to occur every 3 or 4 pregnancies. Well the Aaron’s family, as well as my own were in town for Easter, so I went into the hospital to have some blood work done before we announced our pregnancy. Everything came back fabulous, but I wasn’t feeling sick. I decided that I felt comfortable enough to announce our pregnancy…. so we went ahead with that and Samuel wore the most precious shirt to announce our pregnancy to the kids. They were pretty excited to say the least. Well we had another shirt made that Samuel wore on Easter to all of his grandparents’ houses. The shirt said, “Happy Easter to me… because I’m a big brother to Be” and then the back read, “arriving in June 2015”. It was so much fun to see everyone’s initial excitement and their reactions to reading Samuel’s shirt!
Well it wasn’t what we had hoped for…. because I once again had another miscarriage, this time at 12 weeks along. On April 12, I wrote this post on Facebook to announce our sad news to all of our family and friends.
“No farewell words were spoken. No time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it. And only God knows why.”
Miscarriages suck, and the worst thing about them is the silence that surrounds them. As a culture, we are socialized to not talk about them publicly or worse, pretend they never happened. Right now, I am going through my third miscarriage, second one in a row: first one at 7 weeks (which was right before the loss of our baby Stephen), second one at 8 weeks (last November), and this one at 11.5 weeks (which I'm still right in the midst of). I'm trying to stay positive. We announced our pregnancy on Easter Sunday because almost all of our siblings were home. I have a small regret of not waiting a little longer.... but I thought after just experiencing a miscarriage, that I would probably not have anything to worry about. 1 in 3, right?!
This was not the breakfast conversation I was hoping to have with my children this morning before they headed off to school... but having lost their baby brother Stephen at 1.5 months old, they understand loss and are certainly capable of moving past this. We are all going to be okay. We have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to. Thank you for your prayers, love, and compassion. We are so lucky to have the friends and family that we do ♡
We’ve taken a couple months off from having more kids, but we really feel in our hearts that we are not done. I have an appointment with the midwives office, in the hospital at the end of this month and will make sure I’m up to date by getting an exam and maybe try to have some blood work done.
The process of miscarriage is very hard, especially the process of having two back-to-back. The best therapy was my children and their laughter. It’s amazing how purposeful these little spirits are in my life. They help me to see the best and good in anything that comes our way. The repetitive feelings of loss haven’t been easy, but as I sit here, I can honestly claim that I have learned the importance of being sensitive to others’ circumstances and feelings. We seem to always find reason to put smiles on our faces, but behind each of our smiles…. may still exist the sting from pain that we have experienced are are currently experiencing. I’ve learned that having a smile means that one has hope, not that they have a perfect life. I don’t necessarily like the process, but it seems as the more pain that I come to encounter, the more humble I actually. Bottom line is this: I really feel that at the end of the day, there is only one choice that I am happy making, which is that of trusting in His will. I learned the importance of this choice probably as a child, but I don’t think I truly understood the importance of it until about 6 years ago, when I witnessed baby Stephen take his last breath as he lay peacefully in my arms. That’s when I realized that WE were not the ones in charge, nor the kind doctors, nor nurses, etc… But that He is. A kind loving Heavenly Father who has a plan. He did NOT cause Stephen pain, or Stephen’s life to run short…. but he simply allowed life to happen. I know that He feels my pain and that the Savior Himself literally feels my every pain, which isn’t even a fraction of the pain of the world, which he took upon Himself….. for me. For you. Even when it feels as though we are, I have a testimony that we are never alone in our suffering. I love these quotes below from my favorite music artist- Paul Cardall.
“If you listen close enough you might just hear God tell you that everything is going to be okay.”
“Prayer does not always change my circumstances, but prayer always changes me.”
No comments:
Post a Comment